Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My "to-do" list

I feel like I need a fresh start. Like I'm drowning in logistics and I need it all to stop so that I can start all over again -- new and unspoiled. So how do I do this? I mean, there's laundry and dishes to be done, bills to pay, diapers to change, meals to make, meals to make for others, rooms to clean, groceries to buy, library books to bring back/find, bills to pay, work to go to, CEU’s to get, bills to pay, friends to make, friends to keep, children to love and hold and play with, husbands (well, really just one) to love and spend time with, other family to call and keep in touch with, and.....God.

I feel like if this list could start with the last word first, then I would be okay. Why is it then that I push God aside and first try EVERYTHING on my own each and every time? The only result is failure. And then the subsequent result is me feeling utterly overwhelmed. But not because I have too much going on. I’m overwhelmed because the center of my life isn’t in place. The CENTER: From which everything else flows from. I have always had a hard time when people say “you need to put God FIRST in your life”. What does that mean? Putting Lee second? Owen and Molly third? My sister and dad forth? I don’t like ranking the people of my heart. I can’t rank them. It makes me feel like it’s just another list that I need to check off. Yup. God? Check. Lee? Check. Really? This is not how I want to live my life. I mean, I understand the premise of the idea of “putting God first”. I get it, but I just don’t like it. Instead, I would rather have God be the CENTER of my life -- from which, everything else flows out of. Yeah yeah, I know. It’s just semantics. But it’s not. If Christ is the center, then my family, my work, my many different roles...all flow out of that center. It’s just a much more appealing picture in my mind than the rigid and detached image of a list. In a list, others are competing for the "top spot". God doesn’t compete. He just is.

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